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Doctor Bombay

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On dating [Nov. 14th, 2011|11:57 am]
Doctor Bombay
About a month ago, I asked someone out on a date. My precise wording was something along the lines of "How would you feel about going out for a drink sometime?" The person I asked out was someone I had known in the past, more of a friendly acquaintance than a friend, but someone who I was attracted to. The impetus for asking this person out was finding out that they liked guys who were of the bigger variety. So I thought, what the hell, threw caution to the wind and asked them out. I did not get a response for almost three weeks, at which point I had thought that I had offended them greatly by asking. I didn't know they had sent me a response for about a week, because I hadn't logged into the site where the response lay in wait. Their response was to apologize for taking so long to get back to me, and to thank me for my interest but they were looking for someone younger as a potential boyfriend.

Okay, I cop to the fact that I asked them out on a date of the romantic variety, but that was all. To me, a successful first date is one that leads to a second date. That's it. Boyfriends? Talk about thinking ahead! I wouldn't even assume that there was going to be a kiss good night on the first date. I'm not opposed to that, but it wouldn't be an assumption, much less anything more than that. In telling this to some friends, I got the impression that they felt I wasn't being true with my motives. I was told that the response that I got from the person I asked was completely appropriate and that I shouldn't be surprised by that. Perhaps it's a generational thing, as the person I asked on the date is younger than I am. And maybe that's how I thought of things when I was younger as well. I've seen so many people talk about their boyfriend, and then I find out they've known each other for just a few weeks. Or I'll hear about someone talking about their ex, and I find out that they went on three dates. That's not an ex, that's someone that you went out on a few dates with and decided not to go out on any more. Are you even going out when you've only had three dates?

So back to the person who said that they were looking for someone younger as a potential boyfriend. Should that preclude him from going out on a date, yes, even a romantic one if the person doesn't fall into the "boyfriend" guidelines? Dates should be how people get to know each other better. You get together, you have dinner, you drink wine, you go for a walk, and most importantly, you talk to each other. Tell each other about your interests, about your hometown, about school. Maybe about your exes, but that's probably not a good idea. But mostly, just learn about each other. This will let you figure out if you want to go out on another date. Is it the word itself that is so troubling? When two friends hang out and do those things, is it a date? A date has a lot of cultural weight to it. You start out by dating, and end up by planning each others funerals. But that's only one path. So many other paths, but do the first step on those paths need different names so as to differentiate the outcomes?

Dating or hanging out, are you only allowed to do one with friends and the other with potential boyfriends?
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[User Picture]From: bluestarx
2011-11-21 03:13 am (UTC)

Kudos to Risk, Bullocks to Other Parts

It's frustrating, admittedly. Sorting out relationship styles when trying out new relationships with either 'new' or 'old' folks.

I think that remains one of the weaknesses amongst humans at large, magnified by any given region, and with some significant hangups in gay culture, not to mention the culture of Minnesota.

Kudos to you for trying. It's when you give up that you've lost, not when someone rejects ya. One of the strongest things you've done for yourself is put yourself in that damn Saloon shower. It's a pedestal rife with opportunity for rejection, and you went in, and came out successful. I feel like some sort of astrologer but, this is your metaphor. If you don't try out new ventures, you will always wonder 'what if?'

Someone with your social energy and enthusiasm shouldn't give up :)
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